Compulsive Self-saboteur

How does someone explain what it feels like to do something they feel they have no control over?  Well, I’m going to give it a try.

I’ve never been able to adequately explain what happens inside of my brain before I commit an act of self-sabotage. Or why I seemingly can’t stop myself. In fact I think yesterday was the first time I was aware that it was about to happen. It’s also the first time I realized that my behavior is actually considered compulsive.

Monday I started therapy, also known as 50 minutes of crying to someone I just met. After I left my therapy appointment, I went to Target to return a couple items (that I should not have purchased in the first place). Then I walked to Macy’s because I *needed* a new purse. I felt like I could use some retail therapy. I quickly found a purse I kind of liked and picked it up. $119.00. (Cheaper than the last purse I bought.) I wandered around and browsed through purses, wallets and wristlets. After about 25 minutes, I finally decided that I didn’t like the purse enough, that I couldn’t really afford it right now and that buying it was probably not the best decision. So I put the purse back. On my way out of the store, I passed one of the check-out counters and I saw it… A Godiva chocolate bar.
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Scaled & Unapologetic


Last year I participated in the CrossFit Open for the first time. I had to scale 3 of the 5 WODS. I wrote about my experiences and posted my results here every week. I received all sorts of encouragement & no one seemed to care that I had to scale the workouts. I gave each WOD all I had, pushed myself, and was proud of my scores. During the 2014 Open, I was still new (5 months) to CrossFit & had surgery 9 days before 14.1 was announced.

I was difficult for me to accept the zero scores when I worked my ass off in each of those WODS. But the rules were the rules & I knew them when I signed up.

One of the things I wanted to learn when I signed up for the Open last year, was where I lined up with other women of my age & ability. I work hard every day not to compare myself to others, but the Open is a competition, and in a competition I want to see where I rank.  But because I received a zero score on 3 of the 5 Open WODS, I did not get ranked.  And that sucked.
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Continuous Acts of Self-Sabotage

I am so over the acts of sabotage I commit on myself.

I’ve gone through a lot the last three months. My relationship ended, I lost my job, I’m attempting to start my own solo law practice, and mid-January I broke my pinkie toe on a shopping cart & was in a boot for 3 weeks.

I spent the better part of 2014 depressed (probably not very difficult to see why) and not taking care of myself. My relationship left me feeling completely rejected and unworthy of love or affection. Losing my job made me feel rejected as well. It’s difficult to start a law practice, wherein you have to promote yourself, when you feel like crap about yourself. I did a lot of stress/emotional eating.

I decided in 2015 I was going to start treating myself better. Last weekend I moved into a new apartment. A fresh start for me. A place to make my home and not just a place where I sleep. HOME.
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Whole 30 January – Recap

This January was my first time to try the Whole 30 program.

Well January is over. I did not go 30 straight days on Whole 30.

I went 10 days straight and then…

On the 11th day I went off plan for 2 hours (I had a little bit of sugar & Gatorade during and immediately after the Hot Chocolate 15k race I ran). Before I got on the shuttle bus and as soon as I got back in my car after the race, I remained Whole 30 compliant.

Starting on the 12th (the day after the Hot Chocolate 15k) and going to the 23rd (12 days) I was completely Whole 30.

On the 24th I had this:

In case you were wondering, this is not Whole 30. 😉
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15 Races in 2015

When I revealed the race bib holder that I made last month, I also revealed my race plan for 2015.

That’s right, I am going to run 15 races in 2015!

So here’s my plan for 2015!


I ran my first race, the Hot Chocolate 15k in San Francisco on January 11th. It was fabulous. (I will be posting my race recap very soon, I promise!) However, I was not sufficiently trained for that distance, so I decided that for the next few months, I was going to run a few 5k’s. I do have a goal to achieve a sub-2 hour half marathon this year. So, as a first step toward that goal, I was going to shoot for returning to a sub-30 minute 5k. (2 of the 3 5k’s I ran last year I ran under 30 minutes.)

Race 1 = completed!
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Whole 30 – Days 4 – 11

I have to start out with a confession…

Today, on day 11, I ate non-Whole 30 compliant foods. However, I did it with full consciousness of what I was doing, and I am very proud of how I did.

I haven’t posted an update since Day 3 because, well, there hasn’t been much to write. I’ve been doing great and feeling great! I haven’t experienced the “carb flu” or the “KILL ALL THE THINGS” rage. I haven’t been extra sleepy. I’ve just felt great.

Day 4 –

I’ve been drinking sparkling water with freshly squeezed lemon juice.

I have been juicing a couple of lemons at a time, so that I have the juice ready.
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Redefine (#OneWord365)

I’d never heard of the One Word movement until a couple of days ago.

I saw a post by Shrinking Jeans about the One Word Movement, and I was intrigued. In the One Word movement, you pick one word to define what you want your year to be. Sort of a theme for your year.

You can learn all about the One Word movement at their website: One Word 365 (or search the hashtag #oneword365 on Twitter.)

I have a lot of plans for 2015.

LOLOL – I love this! But yes… it is time… 😉
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Whole 30 (Days 1-3)

I am going to be documenting my Whole 30 journey.  The good, the bad, and maybe the boring.  But posting something every day seems like overkill, so I’ll post every 3(ish) days.  

So, without further ado, here is a recap of my first 3 days of my first Whole 30! I’ve been reading as much information on Whole 30 as I can, including their Whole 30 timeline. I’m getting my recipes from It Starts With Food, Pinterest and where ever I see a Whole 30 recipe that I think I might like.

Day 1:

I woke up way too early (again). I tried to lay in bed and sleep longer, but it just didn’t happen. So I got up and weighed myself and took measurements. Yuck.
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Race T-shirt Blanket Review (Project Repat)

Today I was going to write about my one word for 2015 (redefine), but then my Project Repat blanket arrived, and I’m way, way WAY too excited about it!!!!


In the early summer of 2012, I briefly dated a guy who had a quilt made out of his old basketball t-shirts. “Damn, that’s awesome! Who made that for you?” “My ex-girlfriend.”

Well, of course. It would be weird to ask her name and whether she would make me a blanket, right? Right.

Ever since that day, I’ve wanted a blanket made from all my race t-shirts. I’ve asked a couple people and have had zero luck.

Fast forward…
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It’s my blog… I’ll post what I want to…

That’s right. I’m taking my blog back. And I’m not even sorry.


I started this blog (back in 2009) as a way to document my journey. Not a portion of my journey. My journey to being healthy and happy.

At some point, I saw bloggers making money and able to quit their 9-5 jobs and blog for a living. I wanted that. (Or so I thought.) So I revamped the site, worked on my developing a niche, and even paid for a blog school. I worried about unique page views, SEO, number of comments, my blog audience, and only posting about topics within the niche. This turned into very infrequent posting. (8 posts total from July – December 2014.)
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